My good friend Alice from the awesome Sciencewomen blog has invited me several times to write a post for the Scientiae blog carnival, and this is the first time that I’m actually going to take the plunge. Hope you enjoy it!
This month’s topic of “moving forward” really resonated with me. My contract for my current position (non-tenure track faculty in a two year MEd program) will end on June 30th, and I have chosen not to renew it for next year. Crazy, I know, given the economic climate… but I’ve been on the job for three years, and to make a really long story short, my husband and I are ready to start a family and the inflexible travel requirements of the job make it an unsustainable choice. As of right now, I have nothing lined up professionally – except, of course, for finishing the dissertation that’s been mostly on hold since I started working. :P
Not having a paycheck coming in after July 1st is terrifying for me, even though Mr. Indie’s job is pretty secure for the time being. Raised by immigrant parents who left everything behind in the Homeland to give us kids a chance at a better life, there were definitely times when our family had to scrape by financially. My parents instilled in me a strong work ethic, emphasizing the importance of having a “fall back” plan and the honor in finding a way – any way, taking whatever job was available – to support oneself by earning a living. As such, I’ve had some sort of job or fellowship since my senior year of high school, sometimes having 2 or 3 jobs at once in college or grad school just to make ends meet. I prided myself on being a tenacious job seeker, always being resourceful in finding new possibilities and opportunities for work. Never let go of one job before lining up something else, right? Isn’t that what mama always told you? Oy.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, dear readers, that the job market pretty much blows right now, particularly in the non-profit and higher ed sectors I am most interested in. Since I told my boss back in October that I wasn’t returning, I have scoured the job boards day in and day out looking for work, becoming increasingly discouraged by what I was (and wasn’t) seeing there. I’d cycle through a series of questions, obsessing about everything from what I felt qualified to do, what I actually wanted to do, who I really wanted to work for, why none of those organizations were in my current city, why leaving my current job was a good choice, why leaving my current job was a terrible choice, was my degree even worth finishing, should I just start a cooking and knitting shop, and so on, and so forth. Not pretty, that’s for sure.
As I was sinking further and further into this morass of self doubt and self pity, I started to realize a few months ago that one of the biggest reasons I was freaking out so much was because not knowing what was next professionally meant I didn’t have an answer for all of my coworkers, friends, and family who would be asking me the “so what are you doing after June?” question. Yes, I had to do some serious introspection (and some exercises from “What Color Is Your Parachute?”) to figure out what I was uniquely qualified and motivated to do, but I also had to own up to the fact that for the first time in a long time I didn’t have an answer to the “what’s next?” question. Me. The one who always had something lined up. Clueless. Jobless. Plan-less. Does that mean I’m… worthless?
And it was in that moment when I was truly questioning my worth that I managed to take my first step forward, end my pity party, and pull my head out of my ass.
Am I worthless? HELL NO, BABY! HELL NO!
Just because I want a different life than my adviser, I am not worthless.
Just because my current job didn’t work out the way I’d hoped it would (actually, the way I was promised it would when I accepted it), I’m not worthless.
Just because my very amicable departure from my job was handled terribly, I’m not worthless.
Just because I don’t have a shiny new position lined up, I’m not worthless.
Damn straight I’m not worthless! I have a lot of skill, talent, and heart to give, and come hell or high water I’m going to figure out a way to use those gifts without sacrificing my family. That’s right, Job University, you can take your job and shove it. That’s right, adviser guy, all talking about how tenure track is the only way to go, you can zip it. I am moving on, moving forward, and stepping out on my own. And if you don’t like it, you can kiss my… grits. :)
Hi.
I always had this feeling that our “immigrant BG” somehow complicated things a little more for us.